Exciting opportunities exist for fathers to add rich value to the lives of their children, and in the process, enrich their own.
Photo: Brendon Voogt with his son’s Michael and Ethan-Ben (seated)
According to Colleen Wilson and Candice Smith of‘Contemporary Parenting’, parenting is all about the relationship and this statement isn’t just ‘good old fashioned wisdom’; it is now backed up by neuroscience. How parents authentically and deeply relate and connect to their children develops and calms the brain and sends feel good hormones through the body, for both the child and the parent!
With more divorced families and working mothers, Dads are playing a far more active role in parenting than in previous generations. More frequently there isn’t the female buffer present to deal with the previously go-to-mom type issues, so Dads seem to be reaching out and seeking ways to be empowered in the, often, overwhelming role of parenting.
Times are changing yet parenting is still a struggle for so many men who are grappling between balancing disciplining and loving their children. Men are caught between having fun with their kids and making sure they grow them up right.
Two key opportunities that exist are based on cutting edge parenting research. The first is to focus on building a relationship with your children through authentic, conscious connection. The research now shows it is the quality, not quantity, of time spent together that matters.
The second opportunity is to lead by example and to be the person you want your children to become (and conversely not to be what you don’t want them to become!). Both of these may sound obvious and easy, yet they are subtle and challenging to do effectively.
Colleen Wilson passionately states that the greatest way to influence a child is through a solid relationship and, the greatest way to teach a child, is through modelling. “So our desire to guide and develop our children can be summed up in two primary areas of focus: connection and modelling.”
A twenty second hug starts the release of oxytocin, as does five to fifteen minutes of being totally present to your child, connecting to their world, their system is flooded and it does more than just make us feel good!
Oxytocin is a cortisol blocker, so it reduces anxiety, it increases neuroplasticity which grows and nourishes the brain, it helps to facilitate regulation and it strengthens immunity. It all comes from the connection with us, the parents. The benefits are mutual though – when we bond it affects both parties.
This bond, if grown, takes children through the turbulent teenage years where, as discipline becomes more challenging, influence through relationship becomes the opportunity. Teenagers are hardwired for risky behaviour and the gift that fathers can give them is a safe, connected space to come back to, to communicate and share in, and to seek refuge and advice.
Relationship can be enough to keep the children respecting the boundaries as they trust, love and respect the boundary keeper.
The other opportunity for growing children is through modelling. Children are non-verbal for the first few years, and even after they can talk they are right brain dominant and sensory motor dominant, which means children, up to the age of seven, learn mainly through movement, doing, and in symbols and stories. They are learning from who you are as a father, a brother, a partner, an employee, a boss, a driver and a customer.
The opportunity is simple and yet not easy. Demonstrate your love by connecting with undivided presence and sincerity. Lead through being the person you wish for them to become and the wonderful news is that this parenting doesn’t just feel good it’s now based on hard neuroscience and steeped in research.
If you are inspired, or have queries, chat to Colleen and Candice from Contemporary Parenting. Colleen can be contacted on 082 652 8008 or coll.wilson@icloud.com, and Candice on 076 763 6433 or candice@eqevolution.co.za.