Instead of engaging in robust face-to-face debates, we throw our passionate views into cyberspace. Christy Herselman discusses how we can change this.
When I was in high school I was part of the debating team. With dreams of becoming president, I knew that the skill of articulately and convincingly arguing my point was one I needed. And I loved it – thoroughly studying a topic, finding ways to show that my side of the argument was the right one, and then of course the debate itself. I don’t remember too much about our inter-school debates, but one thing I do remember: as passionate as our arguments were, they were always respectful. It was not so much about proving that your opponent was wrong, but proving that you were right. We never shouted over each other, but rather waited for our turn to speak. Once everyone had had their chance to present and rebut, a winner was announced, we shock hands, thanked one another and went home.
As someone whose current job involves spending a lot of time on social media, I fear we have all but lost this beautiful art of respectful disagreement. Now, instead of engaging in robust face-to-face debates, we throw our passionate views into cyberspace, hoping to be affirmed by like-minded people. And those who dare disagree are shot down, shut down or branded an idiot.
I know I sound a bit extreme, but I see this so often: this inability to really have open-minded, open-hearted discussions with those whose views on religion, gender, sexuality, parenting, abortion or politics (and many other topics) differ from our own. I think we all know that it is mainly social media that has polarised us so much and I think we all feel the loss of healthy, robust disagreement, but I don’t think we quite know how to reclaim it.
How do I raise my kids to be secure in their values and beliefs but to allow others to be free to live in theirs without belittling them or cancelling them? How can I instill in my kids a respectful curiosity of people with very different worldviews to theirs? How can I help them become humans who honour all people, regardless of their beliefs?
In this volatile, fearful, angry world, this is not easy, but I think there are a few things we can teach our kids:
• Just because someone thinks differently to you, it doesn’t mean that person is stupid/hateful/wrong.
• Just because you think differently to someone, does not mean you can’t be friends.
• We don’t need to like everyone, but we should love everyone – treat people with dignity and respect.
• Spend as little time as possible on social media. All social media platforms are narcissistic echo chambers, the algorithms constantly at work telling us how right and clever we are, and polarising us from people who are different from us.
• Never argue online. If you want to express a difference of opinion, do it face-to-face. Screens tend to make us forget we are talking to actual people.
• You are allowed to disagree – with your parents, your siblings and even your teachers. But it must always be done respectfully. Model this for your kids and give them opportunities to develop this skill at home.
• Talk TO people, not AT them. The most fruitful conversations are those we go into ready to have our minds changed.
If we are able to help the next generation reclaim this lost art of respectful disagreement, even just a little, I believe our society will be vastly richer for it.
THE CHAT
The Chat is a culture-shaping movement that exists to start conversations and impart accurate information around issues like sex, identity, social media and pornography. We believe that if these issues are left unaddressed they threaten to derail a generation.
The Chat was founded and is led by Christy Herselman and is overseen by The Table Church in Umdloti. Christy has a background in journalism and teaching. She has written two books and currently divides her time between researching, writing, speaking and being a wife and mom. She lives in Umdloti with her husband Brad and her children Emily, Ryan and Blake.
Please get in touch with Christy at info@thechat.co.za or visit www.thechat.co.za for more info.