Men and women all over The Ridge are breathing sighs of relief that super-hot Shakira has finally gone home. The Latino songstress, a 2010 Fifa World Cup ambassador, was said to be exhausting the menfolk and leaving the women anxious and drained because of her “immense and unmatchable beauty”.
“It’s really not fair, to have such a steaming hot Colombian woman all over the TV and in the papers, and they would never stop playing that damned Waka Waka on TV,” said Candice Bumbles when I spoke to her about the Shakira phenomenon at the Mt Edgecombe Woolies.
“Ja,” piped up another women in the sweets, magazines and dried fruit aisle, “How’re we supposed to compete with that kind of thing. I mean it’s true what she says, The Hips Don’t Lie. I was so sick of seeing Mark glued to the screen with his tongue hanging out. It’s not like we do that when George Clooney appears on ER reruns. Men are so uncivilised.”
“Hey, it didn’t bother me said ‘Shevaun’ from Umhlanga, I think she’s so hot. Forget about Charlize, I wouldn’t mind looking like that.” Aha, so that’s why Charlize was spotted at the tournament looking so glum, the pressure of trying to look awesome was getting to everyone.
Turning to the men, they didn’t seem to fair very well either during the four-week tournament. There was trouble immediately when Shakira appeared in super-hot mode at the pre-tournament concert in Soweto. On that occasion I was nestled away discreetly at a popular Umhlanga haunt and felt the tension arise as soon as Shakira sashayed on stage and started with that beguiling hip sway. Now there’s a weapon of mass destruction.
“There are two issues here,” says my good friend Craig from Ballito. “Number one is that we’re a mess because we can’t cope with her hotness. It’s not lekker to look your wife in the eye and say, ‘No love, you will never be as hot as Shakira‘. It feels a bit sad to be looking at her that way. Issue number two is that my ‘goose’ has gone crazy with the wellness treatments, pedicures and shopping at stores and boutiques. I mean, can a dress really cost R5 500?”
“That’s it,” pipes up Che, my football buddy, “I’m broke because she’s taking it out on me. I mean, it’s not my fault the She-wolf is hotness personified. A new dress isn’t going to solve the problem.”
We all agreed that a solid cooling off period was required before Shakira returned to the place she so loves . . . for the good of all our men and women. Let’s face it, the bruised egos, the broken hearts and the credit cards can’t take it anymore. – Ridge Correspondent