For Jane Linley-Thomas and Jess Basson, there’s more to being brave than meets the eye.
When Jane and Jess met each other, within minutes they had discovered a beautiful, serendipitous coincidence – they both had much-loved grandmothers named Joyce. Cut from the same cloth, the Joyces were colourful and creative with a passion for beauty and boldness.
Jess recalls the coral pink nail polish on Joyce van Straaten’s arthritic hands, and her full-throated, head-tossed back laughter. She was a vivacious woman who loved wholeheartedly. Jane’s gran, Joyce Linley, was passionate about vibrant fashion, taking unashamed delight in dressing up and embracing her expression of personality. So much so, that Jane named her preloved fashion studio – The ReJoyce Collection – in honour of her gran’s love for creativity and colour. She lived in a way that gave Jane permission to be her whole and unashamed self.
Brené Brown, an American researcher, describes this kind of wholehearted approach to life as courageous, and it is what leads us into lives of connection, belonging and worthiness.
Would you consider yourself a brave, courageous person? Bravery might mean taking on mountains or going on wild adventures, but often it’s about simply showing up to the unavoidable discomfort that finds us as we live our lives. Here are three ways to know you’re brave.
1. Bravery is a perspective we choose, not a project we embark on: “You’re so brave!” When Jane found out she was pregnant with twins, she was told this all the time. She would chuckle to herself and think, “Am I really? I mean, you gotta do what you gotta do! These babies are coming whether I’m brave or not!”
Jane wasn’t brave because she was having twins, she was brave because of the perspective she chose when she was having twins. Instead of scarcity, she chose abundance. Instead of helpless, she chose hopeful. It is not our risks that make us brave, but our responses to what we can’t control.
2. Brave is showing up instead of shutting down: Yes, there is something about bravery we attribute to other people who take on wild and wonderful challenges, but don’t often recognise that it is also in ourselves. Yet for someone, simply choosing to show up to life, is the most courageous choice we can make.
“The morning my gran passed away, I had to do a four-hour radio show,” remembers Jane. “It was a real lesson for me – I could show up and be strong even while my heart was breaking.”
Courage means choosing not to numb, or go into despair, or drown in self-pity, while still giving ourselves permission to say, “This is horrible. I wish it wasn’t happening to me.” To be wholehearted is to embrace the full spectrum of human experience, and not delude ourselves into staying just on the negative side of cynicism, or the positive side of denialism.
3. Brave is showing yourself a courageous amount of compassion: Living brave does sound beautiful. But what happens when we mess it up? During her struggle with cancer, Joyce lived with Jess’ family. One night, just before Jess headed out with her friends, her mom reminded her to say goodbye to gran. “I was nineteen years old, a little self-absorbed, a lot overwhelmed, and I just didn’t do it,” Jess admits. “But when I woke up in the morning, she was gone. I had missed my chance to say one last goodbye – and it is one of my greatest regrets.”
There are times we choose to numb or avoid the hard parts of our lives. When the shame of that dawns on us, like it did on Jess that awful morning, there is always another opportunity for courage. That opportunity is called self-compassion. Sometimes, the bravest bounce back is to forgive yourself, to show yourself kindness after you’ve let yourself down. Jess couldn’t show up to her gran, but choosing self-compassion for that immature young version of herself, every time the memory surfaces, is an act of courage that Jess chooses over and over again.
Have you given yourself permission to be brave lately? Whatever it may be – a beautiful opportunity or a messy regret – it is never too late to be brave.