I have tried, at least for the 10 years that I have been a single parent, to never, ever, use the excuse “because I said so” when telling my Mouse what to do or what not to do.
“Because I said so” is a cop-out, I think, and it causes some resentment within a child – if my childhood is anything to go by. When asking my parents for something I wanted or something I wanted to do as a child and they said no, I would ask why. At times they would say “because I said so”. It was so unsatisfying and could foster resentment. I remember thinking to myself “why are there two sets of rules?”. It’s the same as: “do as I say and not as I do”. Which is another way of explaining totalitarianism or authoritarianism, and that’s not a way to bring up a child in my mind. For me, open conversation about all things, even the uncomfortable conversations – remember that Dad and Mouse had the birds and the bees talk when she was nine – is very important.
This strategy can be really hard for people who have more than one or two kids, because you don’t always have the time to sit down and explain why it is that you do or don’t want your child to do something. But if you are the parent of only one child (or maybe two) it’s always best to take the opportunity to sit down and explain why you don’t want to do something and to explain your rationale. Ultimately it comes down to time management, which has also been one of my biggest priorities as a single parent.
The older they get, the more they want to do stuff. Mouse asks me why she can’t be on social media (not just the evil trifactor of Twitter, Facebook and Instagram), and I’ve explained that it’s because it attracts predators and she is too young and might not understand the repercussions of things she might do at this stage, so she needs to be a little bit older.
We eventually made a compromise and have WhatsApp groups, but we also have the rule that Dad – until she is sixteen years old – has full access to her phone and to her computer. These are the rules as agreed to. Because it’s my job to protect her. Which was also in answer as to why she couldn’t have a YouTube channel. (Believe it or not there are ten-year-old children out there that have their own YouTube channel!). I’ve explained that it’s the same as social media, where some people out there are predators looking for young and impressionable people. Even though she might think she knows better, online predators are very good at what they do and can make life difficult not only for her, but her family too. Monsters are people and they live online.
“But why?” is often the next question, “so-and-so has a YouTube channel” or “there’s a nine-year-old who has their own channel” and my response is that I am not THEIR parent. I don’t know where they are going to be in their lives in the next five to ten years. I am YOUR parent, and my number one priority is the protection of YOU. Part of that is to not allow other people unlimited access to you.
I’m sure that as technology evolves and she gets a little bit older, a few of her friends are going to be on one or other platform. So long as we’re having the conversation – not only with each other but also with other parents – about what the fears and concerns are, I think that’s the best way to go.
I don’t think that ever saying to a child “because I said so” has ever been successful and has ever cultivated a trusting relationship between parent and child.
The imperative here is to make time. Always make sure that you schedule time, just to talk; about what you’re feeling or what you’re thinking.
By Darren Maule.