Paul Bushell talks about the daunting task of raising children.
There is no such thing as perfect parenting. My sense though is that because of the pressure of this constantly changing world and all the fear it seems to invoke, many parents feel a great urgency to perform and find perfection. This anxiety is being transferred to our children, which is no doubt one of the contributors to the increase in childhood anxiety.
My worry is that the “helicopter parent” has been replaced with a “steamroller parent”, who is acting out these anxious thoughts and feelings by taking it upon themselves to clear their children’s path of any obstacles or challenges as a way of getting to “success” as quickly and smoothly as possible. The trouble with “strapping our children to our back” and “steaming forward” – is that we are raising young people who are far less prepared for a constantly changing world. Three things concern me about this type of parenting: If your child is strapped onto your back forging ahead on a path you have chosen, you can’t get to know and see who they really are. Every child has, and should have, different strengths, weaknesses, interests and dreams. By not knowing and accepting this, perfection on everything will easily stay the end goal. We’re not allowing them to learn valuable lessons about themselves and the world. Growing a trusting relationship with ourselves is such an important part of good emotional intelligence. We foster this and learn other good emotional intelligence skills through everyday experiences. We need to let our children experience some of these everyday moments – even when they’re difficult, exhausting, frustrating, or when there’s a price to pay. You are the greatest gift you can give your child. Your love and consistency are valuable to them. Chances are if they’re “strapped to your back” they’re not going to get to know you. Although we want our children to participate in a wide range of activities, be careful of over-scheduling their lives. Make quality time with your children, where there is no technology or other distractions. Sometimes this is as simple as taking 10 minutes to draw with them.
Raising children should never be about perfection. Although we have to always make our children’s physical and emotional safety a priority, we need to be careful of not turning the small stuff into big stuff. It’s not okay to let our children go to places and onto the internet without our knowledge or protection. It’s not okay to let our children be abused or bullied. However, it is okay to let our children solve some of their own problems on the playground and sports field. It is okay to let our children face some of the consequences of their behaviour. It is okay for our children to follow their own interests and dreams. We need to hold our own anxiety and find the balance.
Paul Bushell’s book, #Raising Kids to Thrive in a Constantly Changing World, is available on his website www.bushell.co.za
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