Psychologist Paul Bushell interviews mum of three and radio personality, Jane Linley-Thomas about ‘mum guilt’.
Guilt is a very powerful emotion. It is powerful not only because it can feel so uncomfortable and overwhelming, but also because it can maintain some harsh thoughts and drive some destructive behaviour. When we are feeling guilt, we often connect with harsh and critical thoughts about ourselves – many of which are not even true. But worse, guilt often leads to a parenting style which is inconsistent and sometimes spoiling.
Jane, what has been your experience of mum’s guilt?
Mother’s guilt used to be my automatic default setting. As a working mom of three kids under the age of two at one stage, I was always feeling guilty about everything – working too much, not being enough for everyone and feeling all round overwhelmed. And in turn – sleep deprived, feeling out of shape, and generally unpleasant.
What were some of the consequences of this guilt in your children’s lives?
Guilt is a toxic and useless emotion; it robs you of time and energy. I learnt that carving out moments (no matter how small), just to be close and connected to each child, really helped.
As a working mum, how do you stop it from creeping in (especially after a long and busy day)?
When I am tired and strung-out, the guilt knows it can push me around. I think that stepping out of the feeling and confronting it can really go a long way. Sometimes you need someone’s help to do that.
I think guilt, like regret, is a normal emotion which all of us experience. It’s important that we acknowledge these emotions, and then find ways to process and deal with them.
Visit www.lovejlt.com and www.bushell.co.za for more information.