Founder of The Chat, Christy Herselman, has great advice on safeguarding our kids against online sex.
It’s been a long busy day: school runs, work pressure, the extra-mural juggle, the homework fight… Susan feels so grateful to have her three children tucked into bed so she can take an hour to catch her breath and enjoy some me-time.
On her way down the passage, she pops her head into her nine-year-old son’s bedroom and is surprised to see a light shining from under the bedcovers. She smiles, assuming he is reading by torchlight like she used to do after lights-out when she was a child. As she gently pulls back the covers her son jumps in fright, clutching the iPad he had been watching tightly to his chest.
It takes some effort to pry the device from his hands and when she does her heart sinks, and bile rises in her throat. The sexually explicit images filling the screen are unlike anything she had ever imagined, much less seen….
Over the eight years since founding The Chat, I have heard countless versions of this scenario. It is a parent’s worst nightmare and it is becoming more and more common with younger and younger children.
The average age a South African child sees pornography for the first time is 10. By 14 most have been exposed to online sex in some form and many are viewing porn regularly. The majority of children get their sex education not from their parents or teachers, but from Google and YouTube.
And the emerging data on the long-term effects of porn exposure are extremely concerning:
- It’s violent. About 90% of porn is violent in nature and portrays women enjoying this abuse, teaching young people that consent is optional and girls actually like to be forced. Porn is normalising violent, extreme and often criminal behaviour.
- It’s addictive. Most porn is viewed by 14 to 17-year-old boys who, during their most formative years, are training their bodies and brains to be aroused and sexually satisfied by an image on a screen rather than another human being. This is causing many young men to find themselves unable to connect sexually in adult relationships such as marriages.
- It’s damaging. Before online porn, the number of men in their twenties with erectile dysfunction stood at around 5%. It is currently around 33%. This is a direct result of the vast amounts of porn being consumed by teens and 20-somethings, saturating their minds with extreme and explicit images which damage the wiring of their brains.
- It’s growing. Online porn is a $97 billion dollar industry and porn sites have more traffic than Netflix, Twitter, and Amazon combined. Child porn and incest are the two most-searched genres on the world’s largest porn site. The porn industry is fed by the sex trafficking industry and the exploitation of society’s most vulnerable.
So with the facts making it very clear that porn and online sex are posing a serious risk to the physical, emotional and future sexual health of our children, what can we as parents do to keep them free from the grip of this dangerous (and increasingly socially accepted) threat?
- PROTECT. Install filtering and monitoring software. A first vital step is to make sure every device in your home is protected with some kind of software that you monitor. I recommend Safe Surfer (cost around R75/m) which is very easy to install and use and can be adapted to the age or maturity of your child. Filtering software is not 100% safe but very necessary.
- TALK ABOUT SEX. Become a trusted and open source of accurate information about sex. Be a safe, non-judgmental space for your children to ask questions and process what they see and hear. Teach your children about healthy sexuality. If you don’t tell your children about sex by the age of seven or eight, chances are someone else will.
- TALK ABOUT PORN. If your child has internet access prepare them for what they might see. Explain the highly addictive and damaging nature of porn, contrasting it with healthy sex within a loving, committed relationship. Layer the conversation as they grow and mature, bringing in values and science to help them understand the seriousness of the threat to their health and future.
- PREPARE. It is not a case of if your child sees porn, it’s a case of when. Explain what they should do if they come across something inappropriate: shut it down, walk away and tell a trusted adult. There is a lot of shame around porn exposure and our kids need to know they can come to us for unconditional love and support.
Most importantly, stay connected and involved. Children who feel a deep sense of belonging and connection at home are less likely to be drawn into pornography. And lastly, lead by example. Porn is not good for anyone. The safest home is a porn-free home.
THE CHAT
The Chat is a culture-shaping movement that exists to start conversations and impart accurate information around issues like sex, identity, social media and pornography. We believe that if these issues are left unaddressed they threaten to derail a generation.
The Chat was founded and is led by Christy Herselman and is overseen by The Table Church in Umdloti. Christy has a background in journalism and teaching. She has written two books and currently divides her time between researching, writing, speaking and being a wife and mom. She lives in Umdloti with her husband Brad and her children Emily, Ryan and Blake.
Please contact Christy on info@thechat.co.za or visit www.thechat.co.za for more info.