How often have you just arrived home after a long day, feeling exhausted, mentally listing all the chores you have to complete before you can finally put your feet up, when your little one asks, “When can you play with me?”. This can sometimes cause you to groan inwardly and to guiltily wonder why your child can’t just play alone. So, what is it that children get from playing with a parent which makes them crave this experience so much?
Firstly, playing with your child and giving them your undivided attention tells them that they are so important to you that you choose to spend time with them. This is a strong, affirmative message to a young child that helps to build self-esteem. Secondly, children have an innate need to be witnessed. Think of your child building a Lego tower or doing a handstand. “Mummy, Daddy, look at me!” Look what I can do!” Your attending to their achievements, however small, helps them feel seen and validated which is necessary for mental well-being.
Shared play also provides an opportunity for you to model coping skills and to help your child develop emotional regulation. For example, if your little one has painstakingly built a tall tower and it collapses causing them to throw the tower across the room and burst into tears, you can help them label their feelings. “I see you are feeling really disappointed and frustrated right now but it’s not okay to throw toys across the room.” This also gives an opportunity to help them learn coping, “What would help you feel better?” “Would it help if we rebuilt it together or shall we go outside and swing for a bit?”
Scaffolding coping like this gives your child options to draw on in the future when engaged in independent play or in play with peers. Research shows that child behaviour problems decrease when parents play with their children regularly. Shared play also helps your child learn to problem solve. For example, if you have noticed that your child has put all the small bricks at the bottom of the tower and the heavier ones on top which has caused it to fall over, you might ask, “I wonder why that tower fell over?” What do you think we could do differently to make it more stable next time?” – thereby carefully guiding them to solve the problem themselves.
Research also shows that regular playing with an adult stimulates children’s creativity and imagination, as parents will often suggest an addition to a game that takes it to a deeper level of play. Shared play is also a great opportunity for your little one to develop empathy skills, particularly when your child engages in imaginative or role-play activities. Taking on a character with your child, for example, speaking as though you are one of the dolls, and explaining that character’s feelings and reactions, helps your child to imagine what it must be like to be in someone else’s shoes.
Finally, studies show that the hormone oxytocin (the bonding hormone) is released in both children and their parents during happy playtimes. This hormone causes a sense of relaxation and well-being in both parties, in other words playing with your child has physiological benefits for both of you. In addition to this, it deepens the bond between you, which is a wonderful platform from which to guide your child’s behaviour when you need to. Studies show that mums and dads play differently with their children. Dads tend to play in a more physical way, for example, they engage in boisterous or sporting activities while mums tend to be more verbal. Both forms of play are valuable and necessary for children to grow up with a healthy balance.
Many parents may acknowledge that parental play is beneficial to their children but may be at a loss about how to play with their children. So, how do you play with your child? Firstly, it is important to set aside uninterrupted time for your child which means switching the TV off, not taking phone calls, or checking WhatsApp or chatting to someone else during this period, all of which will undermine the affirmative message you are trying to give to your child. When children are assured of regular playtime with their parents, they are less likely to be attention-seeking and are more independent in their play.
In addition, play needs to be child-led. This means that your little one decides what s/he would like to play with and you follow their lead, playing at their pace and developmental level. Focus on your child and not the activity. It is useful to think of yourself as a loving audience. Praise creativity, ideas and thinking behaviour and you can even use descriptive commenting to describe and praise what your child is doing, for example, “Wow, you’ve made the tank engines a beautiful station out of your Lego. I bet they’ll be pleased when they see that.” Thus, parental play can also facilitate language development. Most of all, have fun, make your child laugh and laugh with them.
By Wendy Corfe
Wendy Corfe is a counselling psychologist in private practice in Hilton. She has three children of her own and lives on a farm in the Dargle. She loves working with families in order to assist them in achieving optimal functioning and particularly enjoys doing play therapy with children to help them process and heal from the life challenges they may encounter.