Psychologist Carol Surya explores ways to understand your children’s behaviour and find better ways to respond.
Ever wish you could be inside your child’s head for a moment to figure out what’s making them do what they do? By understanding that children live in a world of feelings (without easily expressing feelings in words), and are showing us their feelings through their actions, our whole attitude starts to change. Just like crying babies usually need food, sleep or a nappy change, there is a reason for everything that our kids do – even though they don’t consciously know this, there are always underlying needs and feelings at play. The best way to figure them out is to ask yourself what they may need and feel.
When kids can’t find positive, useful ways to have their needs met or feelings expressed, they’ll inevitably turn to more unhealthy ways. If you understand what your child needs (and feels) in that moment, instead of reacting, your change in perspective will have you talking about their needs and feelings. This works like magic!
Better ways to respond
Ask yourself what they want/need. Knowing their underlying need helps you as a parent to help your kids get their needs met more healthily.
Avoid asking why – it often makes kids defensive and they usually can’t explain their inner feelings.
Rather name their feeling for them (e.g. “you’re sad because you weren’t invited to the party.”).
Remember to encourage all feelings – it’s what kids do with their feelings that’s most important.
Teach them how to express their feelings in words instead of through their actions alone. Take some deep breaths before responding – when you react instinctively or lash out, their behaviour usually doesn’t change, it often worsens.
Check what you are wanting them to learn – punishing them without acknowledging their needs or feelings usually only brings about short term changes.
For kids to become more responsible, we need to give them choices, explain the consequences and follow through with what we’ve said.
Lastly, it’s important to remember that what children find stressful, and how they cope, differs from adults. When something troubling happens, a buildup of unexpressed feelings and needs will show as a definite change in behaviour, which your child can’t easily understand or change without help. Without encouragement and learning healthy ways to let out their feelings, children don’t easily speak out about what’s really going on. Many “misbehaviours” are common after a major change or challenge. These are like warning lights asking us for more help.
For great tools to teach kids emotional intelligence visit www.raisingkidspositively.com or subscribe to psychologist Carol Surya’s YouTube Channel.