Rose Martin explores the topic of fostering independence in our children and finding a balance between giving them the freedom to learn from their mistakes and being overprotective parents in a changing world.
Growing up in a typical suburban utopia, I was raised to be an independent and responsible person. But back then things were different. We didn’t have mobile phones, the use of the internet was largely confined to work, all of our neighbours knew each other personally, and kids could run, bike, and play without a care in the world. Though my parents (and most likely everyone else’s) knew what we were doing, we mostly had free reign over the neighbourhood. I remember walking home from school with my friends.
Recently, however, things have started to change. We are raising our kids in an increasingly dangerous world. Every day we read and hear the horror stories of missing children, runaways, child abductions, child molesters and bullies. In Australia alone, 20 000 children are reported missing every year. In the United States, this number is 460 000, while in the UK it is 112 853. That’s some scary stats.
Overprotective Parenting Is on the Rise
Yes, that’s right! Overprotective parenting is on the rise. If you feel like communities were better connected a generation ago, you are not alone. Like I mentioned earlier, even though we had the freedom to explore our neighbourhood by ourselves, at least one adult would keep some level of watch over us. Free-range parenting was a regular thing back then.
Today, however, the increased disconnection in local communities has almost eliminated the concept of free-range parenting. But, the worst part is parents who sought to cultivate independence in their children, are often termed irresponsible. I remember one of my friends that received disapproving remarks when she told her friends she lets her 10-year-old son walk home from his bus stop alone. I know it’s less than three minutes’ walk in one of the safest neighbourhoods in the suburb, but still, most parents didn’t approve of her parenting attitude.
In most western societies, the laws designed to protect children from true neglect can also cause complications. These laws can sometimes become a legal barrier for pro-independence parents.
It can lead to intervention from the local law enforcement agencies just like it happened in case of Adrian Crook (a Vancouver man who was ordered to stop letting his kids take the city bus to school alone). Ironically, Crook writes a blog about parenting and urban living. I have read about similar incidents taking place in various western countries. I am sure you have too.
Don’t Protect Your Children in the Wrong Manner
I agree that the world is not what it used to be when we were kids. Still, overprotective parenting is not the right solution. You can’t possibly protect your children from every potential danger. However, by protecting your kids too much, you may stop them from developing self-reliance and self-confidence.
To develop these skills, your child needs to face the so-called risky situations, learn decision-making, and ask for help when necessary. They need to do things on their own. Usually, kids are much more capable than we give them credit for. For example, let them play outside on their own. They will fall, bruise, and may even get bullied. Your skill as a parent is to teach them to learn from these experiences.
To be honest, parenting is a twin responsibility. You have to not only protect your children but also prepare them for life. Keeping them in a protective shell for too long will not prepare them for life. In other words, a certain degree of independence is necessary if you want your children to be self-sufficient.
Stop Worrying about the Dangerous World
One of the most common concerns among today’s parents is that a stranger will attack, molest or kidnap their child. However, this fear is often overrated. About 90% of children who are victims of abuse know their abuser. Only 10% of sexually abused children are abused by a stranger. So, the chances of your child getting molested by a guy driving an ice cream truck in your neighbourhood are very slim.
In fact, the places with the most caring adults such as schools, daycare or organised sports activities are not as safe as you think they are. However, that doesn’t mean your children should grow up always looking over their shoulders in fear. You will need to teach them about how adults (strangers and people they know) should behave with children. They will need to understand that not every adult is plotting against them. Again, developing the ability to trust people can’t be instigated without fostering independence in your children.
Though your kids are unlikely to encounter a strange paedophile, they will face several different scary situations such as bullying and playground politics and accidents growing up. Unfortunately, despite your best efforts, you can’t prevent these things from happening. However, fostering a sense of self-reliance will certainly help them overcome these situations on their own. Instead of making them believe that bad things won’t happen, prepare them to handle those things if they do happen.
Don’t Kill the Curiosity
Every child is naturally curious. So, they will always try to explore the things on their own. Whenever you tell them not to do something because it is dangerous, you make them trust your instincts more than theirs. As a result, they will remain emotionally and intellectually dependent on you. That’s why you need to start fostering independence as early as possible.
A fair warning though, it is going to be a bumpy ride. You will need to understand your child’s level of maturity and cognitive abilities first. Start small and give them more independence as the process evolves. You will need to learn to communicate with them on potentially sensitive topics.
Over to You
Yes, the world is dangerous. But, that shouldn’t stop you from fostering independence in your children. Granted, there is no ‘one size fits all’ solution to this problem. However, based on the shining examples of a few brave parents, we see that it is possible to make your children self-reliant without compromising their safety. Hopefully, the points discussed above will help you make informed decisions on this sensitive issue. I would love to continue this discussion further. Please share your experiences, ideas, and concerns in the comments below.
By Rose Martin.