Have you ever noticed how when you talk at your children they seem to drift away and hear nothing?
Have you noticed how if somebody talks at you, you do the same?
In my house I use the tools of Access Consciousness when I parent, and the most powerful of these is very simply the question. Questions create awareness, questions seek to empower the person being asked the questions, questions open up the mind to different possibilities.
What we forget about kids is that they are not different to us. They are the same, just smaller and in the time of their lives where they are remembering how to be an adult. Children instinctively know how to walk, talk, poop, and socialise. They know how to regulate their emotions better than us. Yes, they lose their minds occasionally, but so do all of us, especially with our children. The difference is that a child will cry until they are finished and then they are gold again. How much does conflict affect you?
If you have two or more kids, you will know the frustration that comes from the kids fighting with each other. My wife, being more traditional will intervene before it starts. This involves shouting and punishments and generally creates a heavy energy in the house.
My style is different. I allow them to fight I stay close enough to make sure nobody really gets hurt. When it is over and one of them is crying, and it almost always happens, I move in and I ask questions to both.
To my son who is older and usually the one who has hurt my daughter, I ask, “Look at your sister, and look at her crying. Is this what you want? Is this the outcome you wanted? What else could you have chosen?”
To my daughter I say, “You had a part to play in this outcome, so what could you have done differently to create a different outcome?”
It hits both hard and I can see the wheels turning as they process the questions. As my children have gotten older they have learnt to resolve problems on their own too because of this approach. When they come home complaining about a child in their class, I ask, “What are you going to do about it?”
When they get sick, “What is your body trying to tell you?”
When they are hungry, “What is your body asking for?”
The key with questions is to start the questions with the words, “What” and “How”. Never start a question with “Why”. “Why”, you ask? Because the energy of the word “why” in the context of parenting seeks to make the child wrong for what they are doing. Children don’t do wrong. They simply act out and when they do, they require some gentle facilitation to bring them back to the path which will create the most for them.
“Why did you do that?”
“Why did you hit your sister?”
“Why did you eat that?”
All of those seek to make a child wrong for simply doing what they do without thinking. Instead if we ask questions, we can gently manipulate them to help them understand that a better way exists. No shouting, no screaming, just love.
What if, just for one week, you used questions instead of judgement?
What changes can you make to your own life to be a better example to your kids?
What if the greatest gift you can give your kids is the gift of transformation?
See what I just did?
Chett Goldin is a Consciousness Facilitator, healer, nutritionist, author and father of two. He is the founder of Kids Core and The Shortcut programs. He resides in Ballito and travels the country teaching courses on many subjects.
You can contact Chett on the links below