Hilton-based counselling psychologist, Wendy Corfe, discusses how to help our children cope with loss.
For many of us death is an uncomfortable topic and one from which we would prefer to shield our children. The reality is that most children do experience loss (often of a beloved pet) during childhood. Given this and the impact of the Covid-19 pandemic, it may be useful to think about how to support your child through the grieving process.
Support begins with being honest with your child. If a family member or pet becomes very ill and has to go to hospital, inform your child and answer his/her questions honestly. This gives your child time emotionally to prepare for the worst. Don’t make promises about outcomes that you cannot keep.
In the event of needing to explain that someone has died, keep language simple and age-appropriate, e.g. that grandpa was very ill and he has died. This means that his heart stopped working and that his body is still and no longer in pain. If you are religious, you can use your beliefs to further explain where you believe the person’s soul is. Avoid using euphemisms, e.g. “gone to sleep,” or “Jesus took him,” as these explanations can cause potential anxiety in children about going to sleep or about Jesus.
Involve your child in any rituals or ceremonies to honour the dead person. Rituals provide closure and there is comfort in being united in grief with friends and family.
If the deceased is a pet, lighting a candle, saying a few words about the meaning of the animal to the child and saying a prayer can be a helpful way of providing closure. Some children may find it useful to plant a flower or tree in remembrance of the loved one.
Once the initial shock of the loss wears off, your child will need to be able to grieve and this process can take time.
As a parent, you provide a model for your child on how to process and deal with grief. Allow your child to see you cry and explain why you are crying, this gives them permission to also cry when they are grieving. Speak about the deceased often. This can be painful and bitter-sweet at first but it provides a connection to the deceased and shows that it is okay to talk about him/her if needed.
Children sometimes engage in magical thinking when a loved one dies and secretly blame themselves for having caused their death by, for e.g. not saying goodbye or by refusing to give them a hug. Being able to speak openly about the deceased allows for this magical thinking to be revealed and resolved.
Give your child control over his/her grief. Helping your child to compile a special memory box of items which remind him/her of the loved one can be a beautiful way to remember and feel close to that person when they need to. Contents could be photos, personal items belonging to the loved one like a watch or ring, a small item of clothing smelling of the loved one, a toy given by the deceased – your child will know what needs to go into the box.
Some families also put together photo books of special times with the deceased for which the child writes the story and this can be a wonderful, cathartic healing experience and resource for your child when needed.