Les Abercrombie mulls over the role of retired grandparents and the boundaries that need to be set on both sides.
Grandparents and grandchildren have a special bond that is difficult to explain. It’s also fairly common for grand-aunts and grand-uncles to have a special place in the hearts of young children within the family. Retired grandies have more time to spend listening to a slew of high-pitched stories, playing Snap and building intricate Lego cities – and they also have far more patience and are quite happy nodding off midway through the fourth rerun of Paws Patrol.
Some grandies live close to their grandchildren while others may have families overseas – but either way, grandparents have an important role to play. It is necessary for young children to have an older person in their lives to give them stability, cuddles, read stories and overflow with unconditional love. Keep in touch with your overseas families and chat to your grandkids as often as possible, congratulating them personally on each milestone reached. Visit as often as you are able to and stay for as long as you can without causing stress within the family unit.
It is important for grandparents to accept and respect the fact that their children are now grown–up and have a significant other with whom they have built their own family unit. Although it may come as a surprise to some grandies, we are not part of that unit. In fact, we are not welcome within that unit unless we follow the rules and routines laid down by the nucleus family.
There are bath time and bedtime routines, nap time and snack time routines; rules about screen time and sugar intake. These rules and routines have been put in place not only to make the parents’ lives easier but also to provide the children with a sense of security through routine. Don’t rock the boat – you’ll make bad friends and get to see less of your special little people.
On the other hand, children should also respect their parents’ boundaries. Retired grandparents are busy people: they may play golf, bridge or bowls; attend art classes or work three mornings a week. These things are important to older people – they are the things we couldn’t do when we were working long hours providing the best we could for our own families. Your children therefore must also accept and adapt to your rules and routines. Draw up a timetable of when you are free to babysit or help with the school run or swimming lessons. Arrange sleep–overs convenient to you both.
I’m sure it annoys you as it does me to hear how some grandparents are literally abused by their children’s expectations of them. Both sides need to sit down, discuss and draw their parameters so that there are no future misunderstandings. My house rules aren’t quite as stringent as my daughter’s, but they fall within her boundaries, so the occasional spoiling is overlooked and supper in front of the telly is ignored!
Enjoy and love your grandchildren. They are precious beings. Next time you’re watching them play with your heart overflowing with love, think of James Joyce’s words: “As you are now so once were we.” *
Six things grandparents should never do
- Request more grandchildren.
- Give naming advice.
- Post about them online without their parents’ permission.
- Hand off your grandchildren to anyone who wants to hold them.
- Try to raise your grandkids like you did your own children.
- Be lax about car seat safety.